Thursday, May 22

Racing Rain

"As long as hope persists, and there is but one to fight for that which is right, all good can prevail over the strongest of enemies. Though fear does shake our bones and cause us to tremble, the light shall illuminate our world. Do not shy away from this light, but rather let it consume you, and it will ignite a fire of faith within your heart. There is light even in the darkest night, never stop searching for it."

Art of Art

From the Museum of Fine Arts

Sunday, May 18

Some Thoughts

A few scattered thoughts from a scattered mind.

Wednesday, May 14

An Apology

I'm sorry for writing what I did, but I am so glad that people care, and that I am loved. I've had an epiphany moment, and I've realized something I thought I'd share.

"Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working."

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

So Clint, when I said I'd given up, and you looked me straight in the eye and told me you were disapointed in me, stopped talking to me and wouldn't look at me, I thought I would burst into tears right then and there. You didn't even give me a chance to explain myself. I've thought about it, and decided it was a good metaphor for life. People are not going to stop and listen because you are so sick you're throwing up, can't eat, can't sleep, and you feel like giving up on trying to keep up and go at your own pace. People are going to hear, I Give Up, and nothing else. Second chances, they aren't a guarantee.

This is my post as a plea for a second chance. Not from anyone in particular, more myself. He said he had plenty of days left to live, and he could afford to feel horrible for at least one of them, but I don't know how many days left I've got. So, live every day to its fullest. That's my goal, I can only hope that my smile will spread, just in case I forget it, other people can smile at me. I don't know how to fix myself in Clints eyes, I don't want to be a failure. But, just like that quote says, our lifes greatest hazard is not to risk. I know that people care for me, I have a good life, and there's always sunshine somewhere, even if it's reflected in a mud puddle.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their stregth; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Monday, May 12

Beautiful Oblivion

Do not read this.

But for those of you who are, don't say I didn't warn you. So I'm halfway through. I finished my paper, thirty five pages of regurgitated facts. I hate it with a passion, and I plan to burn it when I get it back. Now, I have the AP test. And I'm trying my very best not to just go around crying all day. But it seems like some people have to take out their stress on other people, and that other people happens to be me an awful lot. Everyone's so sweet, except those special few, who yell and scream and call me ugly just so that they don't break down themselves. Even though they're trying to be teasing, it hurts so much. Better than hideous I guess. But I feel like I'm going to shoot myself, just because it's easier. But I promised I wouldn't, I don't think I'll be making too many promises anymore. Next issue. For some bizzare reason, I love hugs. They make me happy, and always without fail, I feel better when I get them. Of course, when I'm about to blow into millions of little tiny pieces, I don't get a single one. I can't just say, hey, give me a hug! Demanding, don't you think? So, I have to deal with the complete absence of human contact unless one of my friends takes pity on me and lets me pass out on his shoulder for ten minutes or so. Does this help? Yes and no. Why? Lots of reasons. It helps because I haven't slept more than three hours at a time for a month. It doesn't because, well, that's just way to much to put into a silly blog entry. Which brings me to my next issue. Why can't I handle this?! I should be able to cope, but I've passed out more times than I have fingers, I can never seem to remember how I got to where I happen to be. I need my friends, but they are all over the valley, half of them I haven't seen in four years since I left my old school. The other half are just as stressed as I am, and I'm sure I bug the crap out of them. I'm way too whinny, I complain too much. But I'm halfway through. I can do it... But I'm not sure I want to. Have you ever felt like you were trapped behind a glass wall? Watching your life slip away? Maybe looked at the sky and actually started crying because you couldn't reach it? Seen how beautiful people are, and feeling like it'd be better if you just disapeared so that you wouldn't feel so inferior? Like all your friends have everything you want, so you shut your mouth to avoid ruining their happy lives and cry yourself to sleep when they say perfectly normal things that rip you apart inside? Like flowers wilt when you walk by? Like you don't have a shadow. I want to scream, but I have a headache. I want to run, but I can barely stand. I want to fly, but I'm weighted down by my own incompitance. I want to be me, but there's just not enough time to be anything at all. I told you, you shouldn't have started reading in the first place. Am I insane? Dramatic? Overreacting? I don't know. All I know is that I'm done, I give up. Not out of laziness, the lack of will, but because I can't stay awake any more, and I can't walk without holding on to something, or someone, but no one will hold my hand, because the implications are too enormous. I'll keep on staggering, but I don't expect to finish on my feet. Face down in the dirt is more likely. I just hope my parents understand when they realize I'm not a perfect daughter who can get straight A's like I used to, and that they understand why I stay out late and do stupid things. Now, to keep smiling, and not cry in front of the people I love. Why do I cry? Because I can't think of a reason not to. Every happy thought on the surface is one more thing I can't reach just underneath. I hope someone catches me before I hit the floor... but if they don't, I hope I hit hard enough that I won't wake up.

There. I've said almost everything. And I probably will never say the rest.

Thursday, May 8

My Reason

I find myself in the midst of a complete mental break down. I have a college test next friday that I am not ready for. I have a thirty page paper due on monday that I have not started. I find myself torn in half, and unable to say things that I want to say so badly, because I am terrified of the consiquences. I seem to forget to eat, and and I fall randomly asleep, only to wake up with no knowledge of how I got to where I happen to be at the time. Sleeping four hours a night and going full speed every day is starting to take its toll. And worst of all, I can't seem to smile, because my reasons for smiling are wriggling free from my grasp, and I don't know how to say I love you any more because the words imply too much. So these pictures are my attempt at calming myself down. My possitive thought, and reason for smiling.

Tuesday, May 6

Never, Ever

No matter how high I strech forth mine hand
Desperately snatching at the sky
I cannot seem to grasp that sence
That willingness to fly

In my brooding I see a star
That cascaded from the heavens
And wished on that falling light
That you would take my hand

I reach again
Clung to the moon
It seems as though the world around me
Is wanting me to tumble soon

But in my heart
I know you will take my hand
Then we can soar above the clouds
And never, ever land

-Dedicated to Julianne, a candle in the darkness.

Sunday, May 4


"You think that I have given up on a flower, let it fall to the ground while you clung to yours so desperately. But did it ever cross your mind that I set mine down to let it grow, for fear of sufficating it in my arms?"

Thursday, May 1

A Boy and a Girl

"The boy sat, staring at his sandwich with a face full of faked consentration. He had looked over at the girl several times before she'd realized she was being watched, and he had to divert his eyes, assuming this look of conviction at his pb&j sandwich everytime she felt his eyes on her and turned around. After days of this, she decided that it was getting annoying, he was probably staring at her best friend due to the fact that she was gorgous, and invited him to sit with her group for lunch. The boy seemed so caring and sweet, always smiling and willing to help her. It soon became clear that it wasn't her best friend he was always looking at, but her, seemingly desperate to talk to her but never standing up to do it. They became inseperable, the best of friends. He even taught her how to rollerblade, and held her hand to make sure she wouldn't fall. This was the biggest help the girl could ask for, someone who would care for her and make sure she was alright. She never liked to talk about her problems, always afraid that people would leave her, but this boy knew what she needed even though he never asked. Then, nearly at the end of the school year, something terrible happened that the girl couldn't understand. Lies were being thrown at her face, most of which were lies she had told herself, and the boy got more and more frustrated by her inability to see truth, his truth. Every night she would cry, because she had nothing left to smile about, and the only way she could think of making the boy happy was to leave him so that he could live his life, instead of being hindered by her. She felt as if she had cut her heart out, leaving a hole where hate and anger thrived. The only way she could escape that hole in herself was to fill it with a new person, and leave the one she had been behind, because it was that boy who had made her who she used to be. She left, and lived her life with a scar that no one knew about, and it seemed no one cared about. Two years of her life had been ripped away to hide what had been there, and two more years passed in the sullen darkness of that empty hole.

But love is not limited to one side, and the love of so many amazing friends has helped this girl grow out of that horrible hole. The scar still hurts at night, and sometimes when she feels so alone, but maybe scars don't have to last forever, and like all other injuries they fade with time and can be mended. Looking back at the things she's done, the girl decided that even though it hurts, she wouldn't trade it for the world. And maybe one day that hole will disappear and the scar will fade and daisies will grow in the ashes of her old heart."
-sunny side up